introduction

i'm trying a bit of a different style with this post, especially since i'm writing this with absolutely no outline or structure in mind. the intended goal is that this shouldn't be very serious and hopefully it'll be easier for me to just hit the publish button this time and not worry so much about tone / grammar (i'm already going into run on sentences and ignorign capitalization)

in the past few years, i've struggled a lot with the idea of "self-love" and what it means to be able to love yourself. over time, i've gotten a slightly better idea of it, and while i still have a long way to go, i think i'm making progress along the right direction

learning to be alone

the first time i ever really took note of the phrase "love yourself" was when i was in fall of sophomore year. i was watching vlogs by a youtuber and she was talking about living by herself, single, in the city. i don't remember exactly the context or what exactly she said, but she emphasized the importance of learning to appreciate yourself and being able to love spend time with yourself. she mentioned going on "dates" with just yourself and being able to enjoy the presence of just yourself

as a bit of background, coming into that sophomore year fall, i was coming out of a relationship that i was struggling to recover from. i had basically gone through my entire freshman year while in that relationship, and i had spend all of my free time with her, pset with her, play games with her, watch movies with her, etc.

going into sophomore year without all of that was difficult. even when i was surrounded by friends, i struggled to feel at peace with myself, struggled to express myself, and frequently just stayed in my room watching videos, playing games, or psetting late into the night. similar to many people, college was the first time i had ever lived away from home, and while i knew enough basic skills to survive physically, i had no idea how to survive emotionally. during my freshman year, i had grown very dependent on my relationship for the emotional support and medicine, and when that all came crashing down, i crashed with it

any time i was alone or i had any thoughts in my head, i would look for her to confide in, just for me to instead see a blank wall of apathy. luckily, i had such, such supportive friends at this time who i could rely on, but there were still things i felt, things i thought, that i could never tell them. these thoughts raced and bounced around in my head, and i had no idea what to do with them.

there were so many activities i wanted to do, things that i had done with her, that i wanted to do anything, but couldn't bring myself to do. i wanted to do them with her, and what was the point of doing them with myself? i had spent my entire life just studying and playing games by myself. i had never gone out by myself and saw going out as just a social activity to do with friends

at this time, i didn't love myself. i didn't know how to live with just myself or to see myself as a person worth treating right. i didn't know how to make peace with the thoughts in my head or to be comfortable going out by myself. i relied on external validation and feared other people's judgements

that spring, i went out just by myself a lot more. i occasionally went on walks to chinatown by myself, ordered food and baked goods, and sat in a park by myself. i also tried to take the initiative more to invite friends to go with me to restaurants. i tried to see myself as someone other people would want to spend time with, to appreciate myself enough and not take it personally if they said no

forgiveness

at the end of summer right before junior year, i was asked by a friend what i thought about my ex. at the time, i was no longer sad about our relationship ending, but thoughts of our relationship still stung when they were brought up. when i was asked this, i wanted to be neutral and just say they were just like any other person. but to be honest, when i thought of them, i would remember the pain i had felt for many months nearing the end of our relationship and in the following months. as much as i wanted to hide it, i still had feelings of anger and resentment buried deep down for the time i had "wasted" with them or the "unreciprocated" love that i felt i had given

my friend told me i should learn to forgive my ex. at the time, i felt confused, even hurt at the idea that i could ever forgive someone who hurt me. but forgiveness isn't about differentiating right from wrong, condoning what happened, forgetting about it, or reconciling. forgiveness is about learning to let go of the pain and anger and stop letting it define who you are. to move forward and not let someone else dictate your actions. one particularly nice quote that stood out to me was by Oprah:

"forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different"

did i immediately forgive my ex right after i had that conversation with my friend? no. and it still took several weeks before i felt like i had made meaningful progress in letting go of my pain. up until that conversation, i had always viewed forgiveness as a form of acceptance / an act of reconciliation. i viewed putting aside your feelings of anger as a form of saying "what they did is ok" and i saw that as weak. in reality, forgiveness is for yourself, not for the other person. it's about not letting someone else's actions consume you and plague the rest of your life

in a way, being able to forgive is integral to loving yourself. being able to forgive says you respect yourself enough that you're willing to put aside these feelings of anger and move past them without dwelling. you're proud of yourself and the person who you are regardless of what other people think

falling again

earlier this year, i came out of a 1 year+ relationship in another hard breakup. again, i struggled to find peace with myself following the breakup. i found myself constantly wishing i had done things differently, i had presented myself differently, just wishing that i could have another chance

but in reality, i dont think the two of us were going to be happy staying in a relationship together, and ending our relationship was the right decision. while we started similar to each other, as we grew as people, we naturally drifted apart. the directions we wanted to choose in life landed us on opposite sides of the world, with different ways of expressing our love, and with different future goals. but i clung onto the past versions of ourselves and hoped that those old feelings could return. but we weren't those same people anymore, and clinging onto that was unhealthy for both of us

however, even after i came to realize this, i found i still couldn't let go. i struggled to imagine myself a life without her, and i went through countless nights filled with regret and pain about what i had let sliip by. i wished i were a different version of myself, a version of myself that aligned with her goals, interests, and beliefs. i wanted to change myself to be the version that could be with her. these thoughts could only be described as the complete opposite of self-love

at that time, i wanted to throw away who i was and lie to myself about who i was for the rest of my life. i had convinced myself that the true version of myself wasn't worth loving and i needed to be someone else to get my ex's love back. this can only be described as self-hate, not self-love

this isn't to say that i want to ignore any sh*tty habits i have and just leave them unchanged. part of loving myself is wanting myself to be the best i can be and to think about whether im a person i would like to love. if there are any parts of myself that i feel i wouldnt love, then i try to change them

additionally, this isn't saying that one shouldn't change to fit a relationship. i think a big part of a relationship is learning to adapt to one another, make compromises, and work together to build a life together. but i think in the midst of all of this, it is worth thinking about yourself and not throwing yourself under the bus

moving forwards

in the end, do i regret any of the relationships i went through? every single one of them ended in heartbreak and pain, and caused me to hurt for months. but every single one of them also gave me happy memories and taught me more about not just myself, but about the beauties available in the world. from each person, i learned new perspectives, developed new interests i didn't know i had, and made memories i won't forget

i once heard the phrase: "don't be sad it's over, be glad that it happened." this phrase, no matter how hard it may be, is something i try to stick by. would i have preferred to learn these lessons and all of these things without all of the pain? maybe, but that's just how life is sometimes. all we can do is keep getting up and moving forwards 🏃‍♂️‍➡️